Cleaning up puke is so inspiring. So is insomnia.

The worst possible combination of things happened today--I didn't sleep, and everyone else in the house was sick. That meant I spent today like a zombie. I spent too much time on the internet, I cooked only the bare minimum requirement, and I fed bland flavor-less chicken broth to my poor puking husband after bringing him soup that was too spicy earlier.

I also cleaned up two different people's puke. Yuck.

However, I also had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I had an un-confessed sin in my heart. I usually ignore such a feeling, because the Lord tends to reveal sin *directly*, while the enemy gives a vague feeling of unworthiness. But this one nagged me. I asked the Lord to reveal whatever the sin was, and trusted Him to do so in His time.

Later, I was researching some stuff for my screenplay, and BAM! I found an amazing part of my antagonist's primal motivation for his badness. Yippee! I felt like my bad guy was portrayed as a dude who just woke up one morning and felt like being bad. That never translates to the screen well for me. I've never met someone who says, "I'm bad" except for Michael Jackson. For me, believable screen bad guys have a reason to think they're in the right.

Anyway, my particular bad guy is part of a larger social group, and during my research, I realized that I'd harbored a *hate* of this particular group in my own heart. I'm really thankful God revealed that to me, because it would have tainted every part of this work. I don't want to hate, or even be suspicious of, any group of people just because they're a part of any group. On the other hand, I don't want to pretend I approve of what this group is doing! Heck, they wouldn't approve of half of the things I do every day--but that's still no reason to hate them. Aren't we commanded to love our enemies? DANG that's hard!!! I wanted to have a righteous hatred! I wanted to have a holy reason to dislike them! And I had *no idea* I felt that way. It grew up without my noticing it--a weed among thorns. We all know what happens to seed that falls on thorny ground, right? :-P

Gosh, I need God's supernatural love here. "Lord, I pray for a true love for this people that I've hated. I ask for your forgiveness. I thought I was above any sort of "ism"--racism, classism, or any other type of discrimination. I pray for your forgiveness, and for a true, deep abiding love for these people. I'm so sorry. Please wash my work of any hatred."

Heh, funny thing is, I keep a picture of Mel Gibson on my computer. He let hatred of a [different] group of people totally undermine his whole life. His picture was to remind me, "Don't take your eyes off Jesus, or it doesn't matter what great works of art you do. People won't pay attention to what you say; they'll just remember how you live." Now, I'll keep it there to remind me not to give the devil even the tiniest foothold in the realm of hate.