Cleaning up puke is so inspiring. So is insomnia.

The worst possible combination of things happened today--I didn't sleep, and everyone else in the house was sick. That meant I spent today like a zombie. I spent too much time on the internet, I cooked only the bare minimum requirement, and I fed bland flavor-less chicken broth to my poor puking husband after bringing him soup that was too spicy earlier.

I also cleaned up two different people's puke. Yuck.

However, I also had this nagging feeling at the back of my mind that I had an un-confessed sin in my heart. I usually ignore such a feeling, because the Lord tends to reveal sin *directly*, while the enemy gives a vague feeling of unworthiness. But this one nagged me. I asked the Lord to reveal whatever the sin was, and trusted Him to do so in His time.

Later, I was researching some stuff for my screenplay, and BAM! I found an amazing part of my antagonist's primal motivation for his badness. Yippee! I felt like my bad guy was portrayed as a dude who just woke up one morning and felt like being bad. That never translates to the screen well for me. I've never met someone who says, "I'm bad" except for Michael Jackson. For me, believable screen bad guys have a reason to think they're in the right.

Anyway, my particular bad guy is part of a larger social group, and during my research, I realized that I'd harbored a *hate* of this particular group in my own heart. I'm really thankful God revealed that to me, because it would have tainted every part of this work. I don't want to hate, or even be suspicious of, any group of people just because they're a part of any group. On the other hand, I don't want to pretend I approve of what this group is doing! Heck, they wouldn't approve of half of the things I do every day--but that's still no reason to hate them. Aren't we commanded to love our enemies? DANG that's hard!!! I wanted to have a righteous hatred! I wanted to have a holy reason to dislike them! And I had *no idea* I felt that way. It grew up without my noticing it--a weed among thorns. We all know what happens to seed that falls on thorny ground, right? :-P

Gosh, I need God's supernatural love here. "Lord, I pray for a true love for this people that I've hated. I ask for your forgiveness. I thought I was above any sort of "ism"--racism, classism, or any other type of discrimination. I pray for your forgiveness, and for a true, deep abiding love for these people. I'm so sorry. Please wash my work of any hatred."

Heh, funny thing is, I keep a picture of Mel Gibson on my computer. He let hatred of a [different] group of people totally undermine his whole life. His picture was to remind me, "Don't take your eyes off Jesus, or it doesn't matter what great works of art you do. People won't pay attention to what you say; they'll just remember how you live." Now, I'll keep it there to remind me not to give the devil even the tiniest foothold in the realm of hate.

Too busy writing to blog? A great problem to have!

I'm amazed. Today, I put the final "." on [the first draft of] a screenplay that I've been working on for two months. I squealed and laughed and shouted all the way home from Starbucks this morning...and there was still plenty of laundry to do, dishes to wash, and cooking to start when I got home. :)

This is not my first screenplay. It's my third. It is, however, my first feature-length screenplay, so it's the single longest project I've ever completed. Like Stephen Pressfield said in his amazing book, "The War of Art," I feel like I've slain a huge dragon, and watched it breathe its last sulfuric breath. Rest in peace.

It was the emotional equivalent of breaking the four-minute mile. If I can finish THIS project in two months, then a spec TV script is going to be a psychological cinch. A skit for my church is already as natural as breathing. I have defeated the enemy that lived in my head, and banished the devil that whispered in my ear. Despite what the evil little voices said, I CAN do this. So there.

Praise God.

I'm going to cry if I don't sell it, sure. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't a huge emotional investment, and I definitely want to be paid for it. I'm armed with the knowledge that, if it doesn't sell, I can write another one! However, I'm convinced that God gave me a unique angle on this story, one that's salable and beneficial for others. I'm going to be genuinely surprised if it doesn't sell. The doors on constructing the story opened too quickly in my mind for it NOT to have been the work of the Holy Spirit. If the Spirit was just using this to teach me how to write, fine. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills, and He will provide for all my needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. I just hope He'll put up with my whining and pouting for a few days afterward. ;-) I'm going to trust Him with this.

In the meantime, I feel like I've been making amazing strides in dealing with my ADHD. I found the book, "ADD-friendly ways to organize your life," and I'm suddenly finding my thresholds are a lot cleaner, so the muse can enter without soiling her gown. I'm even finding time for my kids AND my art at the same time! Cr-aaaa-zy.

Yesterday, I actually tricked my daughter into letting me do some crafts. ;) She was going to a birthday party, so I gave her a blank gift bag to "decorate" for her friend, while I worked on an art-journal/organizer for my papers. She made an adorable bag, and I got my paper clutter under control in a cute way.

Dang, that wasn't a trick, was it? :) It was a creative combining of activities! Hahaha!

So, I've got tons of re-writing to do on my script. I'm itching to get started on it. However, I've always heard that I should step away for six weeks before starting a re-write. I'll try at least one week. ;) I

Lots of Love, Taylor