First things first.....

I've discovered the first thing necessary to succeeding as an artist-mom: sleep. I can't live without it. No matter how hard I try, I can't even go 24 hours without it. There was a day when I could deprive myself of sleep for an extended period of time (like, 2+ years) and the only person I hurt was myself. Now, if I do that, I hurt myself, my husband, my kids, and my creativity. I can't plan to reasonably execute a project or a play-date without adequate sleep.

Why it took me so long to figure this out is anyone's guess. My second baby just started sleeping through the night two months ago. She didn't accomplish this feat until she was eight months old. And of course, she wouldn't take a bottle, so I was the only one who could feed her. (Whine) As soon as I was reasonably rested, I got my booty to Starbucks at 5:30am, and started writing.

I don't know how much time I wasted, beating myself up for not writing, not creating, and not being perfect in my balance of the various juggling balls of life. I wouldn't expect anyone else to do anything without sleep. And I didn't sleep. I existed.

Before my second daughter was born, I didn't sleep either. I worked 3rd shift. I tried to continue having a life during the day, and I worked during the night, and I never slept. Again, it's no wonder that my creative life suffered. I had to be perfect. I had to live without debt, and without depending on my husband to make decisions, and had to clean my house perfectly, and have my oldest daughter behaving perfectly (she wouldn't, dangit! ;) ) and I wondered why I was never happy. Why I was always ready to snap at someone. Why I couldn't just relax and enjoy anything.

Perfection is an illusion. It's a mirage that makes you walk a little bit farther up a burning hot hill, but keeps slipping a few more inches away from you. It's not worth pursuing. It's a strangling, death-grip on creativity. And on family. Only when I let my perfectionistic expectations fall by the wayside did I actually let myself enjoy my oldest daughter for who she is. I'm just glad that she was 3 and not 30 when I figured this out. Then I slept.